You asked for it, so here it is, first chapter of the ebook

"Oh Hello Penis, Nice to See You Again: a first hand account of weight-loss....for life."

In The Beginning......There was Cheesecake

"Holy crap, I'm a whale! Or at least a hammerhead. Hard-head is more like it. How did I let this happen?" This is what I was thinking when I begrudgingly stepped on the scales at the doctor's office four and a half years ago. I actually stood there with my eyes closed. I didn't want to see the actual, awful number. But the nurse announced my weight loud enough that not only I, but the two elderly women waiting to get their flu shot could hear. Lovely women, we'd had a chance to chat in the waiting room. One of them had just moved here from Mt. Olive, "pickle capital of America" she boasted. Nurse Ratchet announced my weight like she'd never had someone 313 pounds step on her scale before. The next words I then heard were "pre-diabetic, hypertension, and elevated LDsomething's". Words that before sounded like they were being spoken by Charlie Brown's teacher were now coming through loud and clear. I was about to turn 40 and it was sinking in that my lifestyle was affecting my health. "Really?", you say, "you didn't know that?" "9 year olds know that!" I guess I was a slow learner, but I also realized it wasn't too late. After spending 30 minutes in the principal, I mean, doctor's office, I was scared straight. The fire had been lit under me, but it was up to me to keep it burning. So what did I do? I spent the next month drinking beer and eating junk. I knew I had to start my new lifestyle right away, just not today. "I'm starting Monday!", I would tell my friends. But Monday would come and, you know, it was football season. So another month passed when I stepped on my own scales the morning of my 40th birthday and saw the new actual, awful number.......320. Oh...my.... God. The first thing that came to my mind was the Monty Python skit where the really fat guy ate so much he exploded. That was going to happen to me. The time to change was NOW. Not Monday, not tomorrow, but NOW. Anyway, it was my 40th birthday. What better present to give to myself and what a perfect point in one's life to start over, so I did.

I wrote this book to both inform and entertain. I attribute my success to prayer and laughter. I learned to take my health seriously, but not my self. So lets have fun with this while we learn how to re-train our brains. Over the next few chapters, I will reveal to you the secrets to my weight loss success. And actually, they are more common sense than secrets. But they were a mystery to me for years until I educated myself on proper nutrition. Ultimately, I lost 120 pounds and, more importantly, am no longer pre-diabetic, on blood pressure or anti-depressant medication. The reason I gave this book it's title was not only to grab your attention, but because it was true. At 320 pounds, you can barely see your feet in the shower much less your privates. This is apparent from my before picture. And the after picture is the result of me making changes to the way I perceived food and exercise. The change came from the inside out.

For me, the decision to make the change was the first big step. I told myself I was already a success by making this commitment. I also understood that it would be a life-long change, so I wanted it to be as "enjoyable" as possible. I made small changes in my diet at first, changes that were painless. And I started walking every day. I "snuck up" on my new lifestyle. I knew I had the rest of my life to do this. It is a marathon, not a sprint. I had tried the fad diets, the quick fixes. They would work for a while, but as soon as I stopped the diet, the weight would come back. Sound familiar?

The first thing I did was figure out what I could and could not eat for the rest of my life. Wow, like that's not overwhelming! But when I realized it's all about eliminating, or at least greatly reducing, the sugar and the saturated fat, the task became much less daunting. I also knew I would have to sell my couch, well not literally, where would my dog sleep? But I had to get moving. At least 20 minutes a day. I could at least do that to start with until my weight came down some.............